


the nature of a truly desperate heart

by dancingassassin



Series: Gundam 00 Week 2017 [1]
Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Abandonment, Angst and Feels, Canonical Character Death, Lyle Dylandy dealing with feelings, be sure to look up the flower language, g00week, g00week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 20:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10521699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingassassin/pseuds/dancingassassin
Summary: written for Gundam 00 Fanweek 2017day 1 theme: soloLyle Dylandy has been alone for a long time, he just wonders why Neil had to go and leave. He's never found the answer.(fic title is from the Kamelot song 'Liar Liar')





	

Lyle gritted his teeth as he held the letter – no – it wasn’t even a letter, it was little more than a note. Neil was gone. They had argued the night before…and it hadn’t been pretty. The Dylandy twins both had tempers…and both of their tempers had boiled over the previous evening.

And now Neil was gone.

Lyle hadn’t even read the note yet, but he knew. Neil’s shoes were gone, his backpack too, as was the gun that he’d been hiding in their room since the bombing. Never mind that _Lyle_ had helped pay for the gun as well, not that he was bitter about something his hard earned money bought being taken away.

What was he supposed to do now? Lyle crunched the note in his hand and bit his lower lip hard to stop it from trembling. No, he wasn’t going to break down over this. He wasn’t going to break down about his only family just up and leaving. He wasn’t. He refused to. His shoulders bucked and he felt his traitorous eyes starting to water.

“Arsehole…” He muttered under his breath. The insult didn’t have impact, though. Not when Lyle’s voice was shaking and choked with tears he refused to shed. “…we’re family…how could you…how…”

They were all each other had left, how the hell could Neil just _leave?_ Lyle tightened his grip on the note before straightening it out with every intention of shredding it. But he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He shifted his hold on it to something gentler so he could at least read what Neil had used as an excuse for abandoning his only family.

 

_Lyle,_

_It’s clear that me being here is just hurting you. I’m holding you back and you know it. You declined that boarding school so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m not going to hold you back anymore…you deserve to have a good life._

_I need to fix it, Lyle. This world, I hate it so much. I won’t stop until I fix it. I’ll find a way. I won’t let them get away with what they did._

_I’ll send you money when I can. And I’ll be there every year on that day. At the bombing memorial._

_I want the world to be a good place for you._

_I love you._

_Your brother,_

_Neil_

 

Lyle threw the note down on the table and buried his face behind his hands. There was no one there to see him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t even want to glimpse himself in a reflection in a state like this. He took in a big, hiccupping breath and held it until his shoulders were shaking from the effort it took.

“You fucking…arsehole…” Lyle bit out between suppressed sobs. “I don’t…I don’t want money!” He slammed his fist down against the beaten up dining room table. “I…I…”

He couldn’t even say it. He just wanted his family. He didn’t want Neil to leave. Lyle didn’t care if he was holding himself back – he wanted to make sure his brother was okay. He wanted to make sure that he started recovering after the bombing. Lyle didn’t want Neil to leave. He didn’t want him trying to fix the world. That wasn’t the job for a single person and it certainly wasn’t the job of a _minor_.

Lyle and Neil used to have plans for the future, ideas of what they wanted to be when they grew up, what they wanted to do. But the bombing had changed everything. They’d lost their mom, their dad, and Amy all in one terrible moment. They’d both been assigned to therapy, both had gone. Lyle had found ways to move on – mainly by throwing himself into cooking. Neil had spiraled further and further into guilt.

They’d started arguing more. Over every little thing. The worst had been when Lyle declined the fancy boarding school because he didn’t want to leave his brother alone. Well, it had been the worst up until the previous night’s argument. It had been over something stupid, at that.

Maybe not all of Lyle’s coping mechanisms were healthy. Maybe he had picked up smoking. Maybe Neil had tried to pull the older brother card and then ‘our parents wouldn’t have liked this.’ And maybe Lyle had blown up.

Maybe.

“You fucking…asshole…” Lyle hit the table with enough force that sharp pain flared across his hand. The pain startled him for a moment, but his frustration, anger, sadness…everything…overtook it not even three seconds later. “Why…why the hell…fucking self-sacrificing asshole. Who gave you the right? Who…why…”

 

* * *

 

 

Lyle held his wallet tightly in his hand as he stared down at the grave. He’d made sure it was updated to include Neil’s name. He didn’t have much time to stay this time around, gundam meisters did not get much free time. He’d already set the pink carnations for his parents down, the orange blossoms for Amy, but the small bundle of cyclamen and purple hyacinth meant for Neil was still clutched under his arm. He chewed on the inside of his lip as he flipped his wallet open and pulled out a worn, yellowing note. The edges were soft and the words written on the paper were fading, but Lyle had memorized them years before. He had half a mind to read the note out loud now…but…no. Not now.

“I don’t understand, Neil.” Lyle’s voice was tight when he spoke and he found that he was rubbing at the edges of the note as a means to keep himself calm. “I don’t understand why you had to _leave_ to try and make the world a better place.”

Lyle hadn’t really forgiven Neil for that, the whole leaving thing. Yet at the same time, Neil leaving had allowed Lyle the chance to shine on his own, to show that he was his own person. To find _his_ _own_ way to make the world a better place.

He had done his best to honor Neil’s wishes as well – he had accepted the money that Neil had sent. He had put it towards his tuition for various schools, apartments, all sorts of living expenses. Lyle had graduated high school, college, and then graduate school. He had never questioned how Neil was able to send so much money – he thought it was better to _not_ think too long on that topic.

But once again…his world had been rocked to the core. He had been sent an email with information about Neil and after a decade or more without hearing from him…Lyle had taken the bait. And then Lyle had wound up with Celestial Being.

“It’s ironic…I’ve always hated being compared to you, yet here I am taking your place with Celestial Being. You would have hated that I accepted.” Lyle pulled his shoulders back and tried to stand tall and proud, but he faltered when he started speaking again. “But I want to understand…I want to understand _you._ ”

Lyle started folding the note back up so he could put it away, he didn’t have much time left. He was going to have to leave soon. He took the last bundle of flowers into his hands and closed his eyes for a moment while he fought to keep his emotions under control.

It felt so foolish to be hesitating to do something as simple as putting flowers down on a grave. But in Lyle’s mind…setting those flowers down made it real. Setting them down meant truly accepting that his twin brother was dead. He exhaled and knelt down to set the flowers underneath Neil’s name. He stayed that way for a few moments, silent and unmoving, before straightening up.

Lyle pulled a cigarette from the pack in his coat pocket and lit up. He inhaled and puffed out a cloud of smoke as he started to walk away. “So I’m going to finish this job, Neil.”


End file.
